


My love, my life, my soul

by Stars_dreaming (orphan_account)



Series: 88 MCU drabbles and oneshots [45]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kidnapping, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-04 07:15:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18338771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Stars_dreaming
Summary: Bucky falls in love with a therapist - which, all in all, doesn't end particularly well for either of them.





	My love, my life, my soul

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. To start off, I need to tell you how incredibly disappointed I am with how this is in general. I am usually a better writer, but it seems like I just lacked the inspiration for Bucky on this one. So I am sorry if it's not what you wanted or expected. I am not going to rewrite it, because I made a lot of different versions, and this is the one I am happiest with.

They never find the body - Bucky knows it’s hard for Steve. 

But he doesn't know how to be there for his friend - he can't be the old Bucky that Steve wants him to be, because he's lost most of those memories and it feels like he's not even himself anymore. 

He talks to Sam, who tells him that he should try therapy. Even if it’s just one session. 

So Bucky goes, and he walks into the room, and there's this girl behind the desk, dressed in a grey turtleneck sweater, and she has round glasses that make her blue eyes jump out of her tanned skin -  _fuck, she's pretty,_ he thinks. 

She smiles, introduces herself as Dr. Y/L/N, his therapist. She says that she's here for him, that if he wants to, they can sit in silence the entire session, and he can talk about anything he wants.

 

He starts with the Avengers. He shares stories - some that weren't supposed to be shared, but well, she must keep her mouth shut about him, so there's no harm in telling her.

He makes her chuckle, and she writes things down in this huge notebook she's carrying. 

 

It's hard to trust someone you don't know, Dr. Y/L/N tells him one day, on their fourth session. She looks him in the eye. "I know it's difficult for you," she says softly, "with everything that happened. But I need you to know that nobody can get to you here. I studied my ass off for this degree, and I'm not going to stop doing this with you until I can help you. Okay?" 

And he nods, and he allows himself a smile, because this not what he expected but  _it’s better than that._

 

* * *

 

Dr. Y/L/N starts their next session in silence. He doesn't talk, and she doesn't either. He just stares out the window, and he hears her scribble something down in her notebook.

An entire session in silence is nice. It gives him the rest he needs. Spending time with all the Avengers in the Compound is fun, but they're constantly on his mind and working on his nerves. Dr. Y/L/N doesn't press him into talking like Steve sometimes does. She doesn't bother him at all, really, just waits for him to talk. He likes it. 

He gets to make his own decisions now. He decides what happens. And it’s good to feel in control of his life again. 

 

* * *

 

He starts noticing things about her somewhere around their tenth session. 

He sits down in front of her, and she opens her notebook, and he notices the slight curls in her hair, that she's wearing loose this time, and the matte lipstick she's wearing. The glasses belong to her face, and now when she's not wearing them, he feels like something is missing. 

He notices that she wears a lot of neutral, calm colours. No flashy red, or green or vibrant yellow. She wears turtleneck sweaters in light pink, or dark grey, and she wears skirts from time to time that highlight her long legs - of course he notices this, he is a man after all. 

She has a nice smile that comforts him. 

She has a lot of freckles on her face, which he likes too, because it gives her a youthful look. 

 

It’s their twelfth session when she's late. 

He sits in the waiting room when she rushes in, hair dishevelled. She looks she's been crying, because her eyes are red and puffy, but he doesn't mention it because it’s none of his business. (He is worried about her)

She smiles at him - he can see its forced - and invites him into her office. 

He sits there in silence for a while until he notices she hasn't taken out her notebook, and her hands are clamped around her mug. Her knuckles are white from the force she's using. 

"Are you alright?" He asks, and she almost jumps up in her seat. 

His brows furrow in worry as she shakily takes a breath and brushes a lock of hair behind her ear. "Yeah, yeah," she mumbles, "just a little tired." 

She straightens her back and smiles at him. "Alright. Do you want to talk about something today?" 

Bucky looks at her for a few minutes before deciding that he should probably tell her something. 

So he tells her a story of him and Steve, back when they first met each other. She doesn't laugh, though, and only nods and hums, and grabs another paper to write something down. 

 

* * *

 

Bucky tries to tell her things about himself during the next sessions. She writes it all down, he notices, and he starts to begin to think that maybe he can trust her enough to tell her about Hydra. 

He goes to Steve first, though, and asks him if it’s alright if he does that, to which Steve smiles and says that he should. 

Sam tells him that Tony helped him hire this woman, and that Friday and S.H.I.E.L.D. did an entire background check on her to ensure she was the right therapist for him. 

 

On their fifteenth session, he tells her about the war. She doesn't show any shock - just responds to it with a nod and a smile, as to encourage him to go on. 

He finds out that talking to her about the torture he underwent with Hydra is harder than he thought. She gives him a reassuring smile and says that  _it'll come soon enough, don't worry._

 

* * *

 

She brings him coffee on the session after that, and tells him to sit down, because she must tell him something. 

"I'm transferring to another location." Once she says that, he doesn't know what to do.

"We'll be able to do about eight more sessions together here," she tells him, shifting on her seat, "if you want to continue with me, you'll have to come to Long Island instead." 

He blinks, and she smiles apologetically. "I am sorry, James," she says softly, "I do wish to continue our sessions, because I want to make sure you're getting better. But I understand if you don't want to. I've already made a list of therapists in Manhattan that could help you-" 

"I'll go to Long Island," Bucky interrupts her, and she closes her mouth. Then she nods. "Alright. I'll call Anthony and make the changes with him." 

She shakes her heads and tilts it up with a light smile. "Alright. Let's start." 

 

* * *

 

Dr. Y/L/N becomes Y/N after their twentieth session. 

Bucky trusts her. 

He doesn't know entirely why, but there's just something about her that makes him comfortable. 

 

He arrives early for their next session when he sees her stepping out of her office. Someone follows behind her - he can't see the face - and she smiles sweetly and hugs that person tight. 

Bucky can't ignore the whirlwind of thoughts in his mind - who is that person and what is he doing? Why is he hugging Y/N? - or the jealousy tightening his stomach.

He knows Y/N isn't his, and he can't start anything with her because she's his therapist - but there's still something there, something hidden under the surface. 

Y/N kisses the man - Bucky can see it’s a man - on his cheek and squeezes his arm before stepping away. The man turns, and Bucky's breath gets caught in his throat because its Tony fucking Stark who stands there with Y/N. 

Y/N spots him and waves while Tony turns again and walks away. 

"Bucky!" She says, "Come on in." 

 

He sits down, and the first thing he says is "I didn't know you had a thing with Tony." 

She lifts an eyebrow. "I don't have anything with Anthony," she says with a half-hearted smile. "He's like my second cousin thrice removed or something. Anyways, he's family. I love him a lot, but not in that way." She opens her notebook and takes out a pen. 

Bucky is relieved, and he feels guilty about it. He shouldn't fall in love with her. 

Y/N smiles reassuringly at him. "Last session you told me something about the memory wiping. Do you want to talk about that?" He tenses in his chair, and quickly shakes his head. She nods. "Okay. We can go on with..." she leafes through her notebook. "How you're coping with your memory loss." She looks at him expectantly, and he nods, perching up in his chair. 

 

* * *

 

By the time he ends the thirty-sixth session, Y/N tells him that maybe it’s time for him to go solo again. 

"You're doing amazing," she tells him while shaking his hand, "and I think you're more than fully capable of being on your own. You've got your friends to talk to if you need anything, so you won't need me anymore!" She is smiling brightly, and Bucky can only nod, because he doesn't really know what to say. 

"I want to make an evaluation, and then we'll have our last session with one of my colleagues present, so he can decide if you are ready to go or not. Are you comfortable with that?"

Bucky shifts on his sheet. "As long as I don't have to talk about Hydra," he admits, and she smiles, understanding. "I get that. You won't have to say anything about that. Will I see you next week?" 

Bucky nods, and she puts her hands behind her back. 

"Great! Have a nice weekend!" She turns and walks back into her office, leaving Bucky on the hallway. He shakes his head and walks away. 

 

* * *

 

Once he's back in the Compound, he takes Natasha apart, and he tells the spy about Y/N. 

She listens to him, nodding along to his words, and doesn't interrupt him once. 

When he's finished, he sighs. 

"You're saying you're in love with your therapist," she says slowly, and he nods. "And you're going to have your last session with her next week." He nods again. Natasha purses her lips. 

"Do you want to hear my honest opinion about this?" Bucky nods again. 

"Alright. I think it's not the best thing that could have happened. Falling in love with a therapist is quite risky. But you can always try. Since it's going to be your last session, she technically won't be your therapist anymore." Natasha smiles. "And anyways, I'm glad you found someone." She squeezes his shoulder.

Bucky takes her hand. "I'm glad you and Steve found each other too," he says softly. "After... you know... after her, you deserve someone like Steve. And Steve deserves someone like you." Her smile disappears. "It’s quite strange that loss brings people together," she mumbles, and Bucky nods. 

She smiles again. "Now, you're going to pray that this week passes quickly so you can ask Y/N out, and I'm going to spar with Clint." She gets up from her seat. "I'll see you tonight!"

 

* * *

 

 When Bucky sees her for the first time after their last session, he chickens out. They meet in a café, and she orders herself coffee as she gives him a sweet smile. 

"How's everything going?" She asks him, and he smiles. "It's alright. The guys are getting on my nerves, but I'm getting better." He shrugs as she sits down next to him. 

"I'm glad you are." 

They sit in silence for a while.

"You know..." Y/N starts, "I noticed that you have feelings for me."

Bucky tenses. Was it so obvious? 

She smiles at him and there's an emotion in her eyes that he doesn't recognise. 

"I am a therapist, Bucky. I'm trained to see those kinds of things. And... well, I was your therapist, so a relationship was out of the question."

"But you're not anymore," Bucky says, slowly catching up, and he turns his head to look at her. She's blushing and looking intently at her hands in her lap. 

"Would you let me take you out on a date?" 

She looks up, a bit surprised. Then she nods. "I would. I definitely would." 

Bucky grins. "Great. I still have your phone number." Now she smiles. "Just text me. I have to go now." She gets up from her seat and leans down to press a kiss to his cheek; she leaves the café quickly but turns around once more to wave at him. 

 

* * *

 

Tony is going to get married, and Bucky needs a date. Or well, he doesn't need one, but he wants one.

So he calls Y/N (they've been on six dates so far) and asks her if she wants to accompany him. Surprisingly, she says yes immediately. 

 

They match colours on the wedding. Y/N wears a gorgeous blue dress, and he wears a blue suit. He introduces her to the others - she's already met Steve and Tony - and they all seem to like her. 

After the ceremony, when everyone is relaxing and celebrating, Natasha tells Bucky that Y/N is a catch. 

 

Y/N and Sam bond over being therapists and she seems to be able to talk to Steve about his loss. Bucky is happy with her. 

 

* * *

 

Once they're eleven months into their relationship, Y/N moves into the Compound. 

It feels right. 

 

It feels good to see her stuff standing in his bathroom, and to smell her on the pillows, and to see her clothing in his closet. 

 

* * *

 

Bucky expected it to be hard, at first. To balance his personal life and relationship and his work as an Avenger. 

But they both work hard on it - they try and try and try - and sometimes they fight, but they always solve it. They always talk. 

 

Natasha tells Bucky that he needs to keep Y/N because no one has ever seen him so happy before, and Bucky whole heartedly agrees. 

 

On their anniversary, he asks her if she'll ever marry him. 

Y/N looks surprised, but she smiles. "I will." 

They don't talk about it again. 

 

* * *

 

Bucky and Clint get called in for a mission in Prague, and he needs to leave for a few days. It’s not uncommon and it’s not new either, but this time it will be the first time that Y/N will be away too. 

She's visiting her niece in Florida, she tells him, and they say goodbye with sweet, long kisses. Bucky holds her just a little longer, because it could very well be the last time they see each other.

He explicitly tells her he loves her three times, and she smiles and pats his chest. "I love you too," she says, "now get in that jet and do some shit." She kisses him again, and he smiles against her lips before letting her go and jumping into the jet, where Clint is already waiting for him, filling his quiver with the new arrows that Tony made for him. 

 

* * *

 

Bucky and Clint arrive in their shared apartment after the mission when Clint's phone rings. Clint grumbles something and takes it out of his pocket. Natasha, it says. 

"Why are you calling me?" Clint barks into the phone. He receives an answer and pales. Bucky doesn't notice because he's taking off his shoes. "A-are you sure?" A response that Bucky can't hear because he just dropped his own phone. Bucky curses under his breath and moves to pick the phone up. 

"Bucky, put your shoes on," Clint says, and Bucky turns around, frowning. "Nat needs us to come back to the States, right now." 

Bucky only nods and does as he's told. 

He texts Y/N before he leaves that he's coming back but receives no response. He doesn't think anything about it - after all, she's a busy woman.

 

* * *

 

"Glad you could make it," Natasha says, and Bucky scans her face for any indications as to why they were called to the Triskelion. 

Her lips are a line, and she's stiff and tense. Something is very wrong, but he can't put a finger on what exactly. 

Clint takes his arm. "Let's get inside."

 

Once they're in one of the conference rooms, Bucky spots all the other Avengers around the table. Steve stands up and watches him with a sorrowful expression, and Bucky's stomach tightens. What is going on? 

 

Fury turns around from where he's standing, and it's the first time Bucky sees emotions on the Director's face. 

"Hydra kidnapped your girlfriend," he says, and Bucky has to sit down, because his legs are giving out. 

After everything they've done... After everything they tried... 

He was finally safe and now Hydra has gotten to him and- and Y/N!

 

"We don't know much, but we can predict what they're going to do to her. We're putting all our forces on finding her, Barnes, we're doing everything we can-" 

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

Bucky rubs his face and presses his eyes close because he's afraid he's going to cry. 

He lost her. 

 

How is he ever going to find her?


End file.
